A Chemical Fairytale
by Perc Mad Hatter
Summary: A totally twisted perception to the typical fairytale.


A Chemical Fairytale  
  
Please r&r  
  
Once upon a time, in a kingdom named Chemical Equations, King Pentaiodide reigned, with his faithful knights of the Periodic Table.  
  
Contrary to popular statistics, and unlike most husbands, King Pentaiodide was a model husband and had a Queen named Fluorine. They had been married for 40 years and had a daughter named Carbon. Previously, King Pentaiodide had a daughter by a prior marriage named Chlorine. Due to the fact that children born out of wedlock were not acknowledge by the council as legitimate heirs, Chlorine was lady-in-waiting to Carbon, the heir to the throne.  
  
The Princess Carbon was ebony in complexion and had raven-black hair. She was stunning beautiful as her father, believing that children are the best investments, had spent millions on perfecting her appearance. Thus, princess Carbon was surpassingly fair to look at. (However, her intellect left much to be desired.)  
  
Carbon was so attractive, that Count Sodium, an errant knight and a minor noble, who met her while paying court to the king, fell madly in love with her and asked King Pentaiodide for her hand in marriage. King Pentaiodide could not bear to part with his beloved child and so, refused. Sodium, balked of his bride, became mad with desperation. His intense love changed into unquenchable hatred and he rode away from court, renouncing his title and swearing vengeance. Choked with hatred, he sought out a wyrm, insulting it in the name of King Pentaiodide. ( No comments. Just one word. Kamakazi.)  
  
The dragon was thoroughly offended. It slew Sodium, and not satisfied with the death of the knight, came to Chemalot to settle its honour's debt. The wyrm razed Chemalot to the ground, ate Queen Fluorine, slew her ladies-in- waiting, scared the court silly and kidnapped Princess Carbon. (She was to be his bedtime snack.)  
  
Sir Oxygen, the paramount knight in the kingdom, signed a contract with King Pentaiodide, which gave him the princess's hand in marriage and half of the kingdom as well when he returned with the princess royal. (Alive and in one piece!) He set off to fight with the dragon, hoping that he might, by dint of his prowess, slay the dragon and gain a kingdom and a wife to boot. Please note, dear reader, he did not realise that he would voluntarily combust in the presence of the fiery breath of the dragon.  
  
Meanwhile, in the lair of the dread dragon, the princess was locked up in a bone cage and screaming suitably. Most un-traditionally, the dragon was not at the mouth of the cave, blowing fire. He was in the storeroom searching for painkillers. The digested Queen Fluorine was disagreeing with the dragon's stomach. It accidentally swallowed the entire bottle of dragon- sized panadol, all 1000 pills. It immediately started writhing in pain, due to the extreme acidity of the painkillers.  
  
By the time Oxygen arrived on the scene, the dragon was in its death throes. Oxygen quailed upon the sight of the terrible wyrm rolling about on the ground. He half-heartedly threw his sword at the dragon. It clanged futilely against its scales. Just than, the dragon breathed its last and expired.  
  
Unable to believe his luck, the incredulous knight rescued the princess from the cage and delivered her to her adoring father. Upon arrival at Chemalot, or at least, upon arrival at the charred remains of Chemalot, they were immediately wedded by the Archbishop of Carbonbury.  
  
Due to the newlywed's eagerness in the royal bedchambers, the princess was pregnant within days of the marriage. Delighted, the bereaved monarch named the unborn child heir apparent and conferred upon it the order of the non- metallic oxides.  
  
The child was born in due time. Everyone suitable was invited to the child's christening. Oxygen offered the post of honorary godfathers to his close fellow knights, Helium, Neon, Argon, Krypton, Xenon and Radon. His cousin, Hydrogen, a mad seer, was mortally insulted by the fact that he was not invited to the christening party. (Actually, he was more interested in the beer party later.) He crashed the party by appearing and cursing the newborn princess. He intoned, " Cursed, when you touch water, you shall change beyond belief." The guests left, not wanting to be cursed as well. The anticipated fight took place; Oxygen slew Hydrogen to salve his bruised pride.  
  
King Pentaiodide, the doting grandsire, gave strict orders that Carbon Dioxide, the future Queen, was to be kept away from water at all cost, which worked for twelve years.  
  
During the twelve years, princess Carbon Dioxide grew up, King Pentaiodide grew old and depressed, Princess Carbon became more stupid, (if that is even remotely possible) and Sir Oxygen had several extra-martial affairs.  
  
Finally, Oxygen was sick and tired of having to endure Carbon's innate remarks during bedtime and sued for divorce, citing the fact that Carbon was intellectually inferior to him and thus, unworthy of marriage to him. He also reminded the King that the contract they signed 12 years ago had a clause that allowed him to divorce the princess if he found her unsatisfactory. (Product may be returned and totally refunded if the aforesaid customer finds it unsatisfactory.) Finally, after months of court trials and inquiries, Oxygen divorced Carbon. He married Chlorine instead and went on a second honeymoon.  
  
Shocked and traumatised, princess Carbon clung to her teenage daughter and cried buckets of tears. (More like swimming pools of tears..) Carbon Dioxide comforted her mother. However, soon, the tears soaked her skin. Carbon Dioxide mutated, reacting with the water to change into a ravenous monster, Carbonic Acid. The monster ripped Carbon from limb to limb, devoured her corpse then fled into the depths of the abyss.  
  
Totally depressed and devastated by the death of his daughter and granddaughter, King Pentaiodide committed suicide, leaving behind no suitable heir. The kingdom was thrown into disarray, as barons, warlords, advisors and knights all vied for the throne. Oxygen returned from his honeymoon, claiming a right to the throne by marriage, to the deceased princess, Carbon. He accepted the featly oaths of those that accepted him as ruler and assassinated the rest of his rivals.  
  
Under Oxygen's rule, the kingdom degenerated into excessive debauchery, with Oxygen as the prime example by setting up royal harems. Marriage was abolished.  
  
Due of the population explosion indirectly caused by the reigning king, the kingdom suffered from massive job unemployment, economic recession and inflations. Fed up with the current social, economical and political problems, the oppressed populace revolted, overthrowing the monarchy. Oxygen was beheaded as a criminal and a grand high elemental committee was to ensure the happiness of the people. A ideal communist state was set up. Everybody, who was alive, lived happily ever after. (Not really, soon more revolts followed, but that is future history and none of your business.) 


End file.
